Along the Shore

Saturday, August 1, 2009
A Book a Day
Vacation Bureau

Welcome to Day 2 of the Wetzel family vacation. I’m writing today’s blog entry from the lobby of our hotel, which the family has temporarily taken over. Before I proceed with today’s entry I feel I must make a few introductions. Dear readers, this is my family:

Dad: Who you’re all familiar with already. Dad is currently pretending to read Forbes magazine while doing his best CEO impersonation (Dad enjoys getting into character for pictures - but you won’t be shocked by this if you’ve read the Disney blog entry.)

Mom: Who you’re also very familiar with. Mom is walking around with the camera frozen into her hand. We’ve posed and posed for her today, but like a crack addict she always wants more.

Alissa: Who needs no introduction because in her mind this is her blog too. Alissa is relaxing after a hectic day of taking pictures of herself (which she’s very good at), imploring other people to take pictures of herself (and I say pictures because when she says "Take my picture" it results in a photo session so lengthy it begins to resemble a magazine photo shoot), and marveling at my reading habits which she finds alarming. Or as she put it, "Do you think your readers are aware of the fact that you #@&* around all morning and then read the book in a crazy burst in the afternoon?"

Aunt Brenda (of the Sci Fi post, shudder...): Who has gone to bed already. It’s only natural that she was the first to go to bed, she’s exhausted from a day of eating nothing but snacks. First she decided to forgo lunch in favor of cheese, crackers, and fruit - and then she repeated that for dinner - which has earned her the nickname "the snackorexic."

Uncle Andy (of the Butler post): He’s currently resting up from his day of pretending to stalk me. It’s this crazy little thing we do where he pretends like I’m a famous author who he’s obsessed with, and I beg him to respect my privacy by saying things like, "Am I not human? Do I not deserve privacy too?" And then he responds by pretending to snap several more pictures. As I’m sure you can imagine, no one finds this little game amusing the way we do.

Aunt Rita: Who I’m sorry to have to tell you wore a visor today. I know, I know, I should have put a swift stop to that the minute I saw it - but you see, I’m on vacation and so I may have let a visor or two - and possible a fanny pack, which I don’t even like to talk about - slip past me. But, because I want her to still be speaking to me in the morning, I do feel it’s worth mentioning that the visor matched her outfit perfectly. I appreciate a well-coordinated outfit, even if it does include a visor. And now, to balance out the meanness, I must share my favorite Aunt Rita moment of the day. My sister was quizzing the family about who would play them in the movie and she said, without even a moment’s hesitation, "Susan Sarandon." I love it when people get on board with the weirdness.

Aunt Cindy (of the baked potato entry): Who I’m sorry to have to tell you dear readers, also wore a visor (but she wore is with attitude) - went to bed midway through the writing of this blog. She’s very tired because a body can only contain the joy of eating homemade fudge for so long before it has to rest. She’s also tired from the hour long wait at the restaurant - a wait that included the staff forgetting about seven times (not an exaggeration) that we had reserved a table, several members of the staff coming to take away some of the chairs we were sitting on in the lobby with promises of "You will sit again," one member of our party getting sick and having to go back to the hotel which resulted in a member of the staff reprimanding us for not letting her know sooner that one person was going to get sick, which in turn led to my sister’s outburst, "This is like a war of attrition! this is like Vietnam!" Sadly, this outburst did not produce the results we had hoped for. Instead, we were forced to wait even longer, while members of the staff continued to ask us who we were and what we wanted. About forty-five minutes in Cindy began simulating a fainting spell in the hope that it would get us a table sooner, and when this failed she became flustered, fell backward in the chair (that she was still lucky enough to still be sitting in), and dropped everything she was holding to the floor. At this point Alissa launched into her "Day 15 routine," - Day 15 without food, Cindy’s muscles begin to atrophy, and she no longer has the muscle strength to hold onto her water bottle." Once again, no one was amused by this but us.

Cousin Jenny: Who, in what I believe just might be my proudest moment as her older cousin, mocked someone’s clothes in perfect harmony with my sister, despite the fact they were sitting on opposite sides of the room at the time. There are moments of pure magic in life, and realizing that my DNA is packed with the mocking gene on both my Mother and Father’s side has changed my life. It’s hard enough to fight the meanness when it’s only coming from one side of the family, but knowing that it comes from both sides just proves that it’s too strong for us to fight, and we should all stop trying. Jennie has also embraced the weirdness and decided that Natalie Portman will play her in the movie. As I’m writing this entry, Jennie and Alissa are planning what they will wear to the premiere of the A Book a Day movie . . . you know, once I actually manage to finish writing the book, then get it published, then it makes it onto the bestsellers list, and then it gets made into a movie. Is there is anything better than family members who not only support your delusions, but help them grow.

And here are your clues to A Book A Day's top-secret location. Thank you for yesterday's comments dear readers, they were good guesses, but no one has cracked the mystery yet!

Clue # 1 - The title of today’s book is your first clue.

Clue # 2 - Movies have been filmed here. - And if my personal delusions pan out, they will be filmed here again.

Clue # 3 - I hear horses foot steps as I type this. And the footsteps are not coming from the TV.

Today’s book, "L.M. Montgomery is beloved by millions of readers around the world as creator of the irresistible Anne of Green Gables books. Now, in this newly discovered short-story
Today’s book was a bit of a letdown - but, who needs an interesting book to read when traveling with this family. The book was filled with the kind of subjects that I don’t generally care to read about on vacation:

Death - As far as I’m concerned, death does not exist while I’m on vacation. I am not one of those people who wants to experience the real anything, "The real Japan" "The real New York." No, I don’t care for that kind of travel. I want to travel to places where people bring me things on trays and I am totally insulated from any unpleasant realities.

Seaweed collections - I’m not even kidding, one of the stories in this book was about a woman who has a seaweed collection. Am I supposed to be able to relate to a woman who collects seaweed? Am I supposed to even understand how a person collects seaweed? The mind reels. I do enjoy characters that are odd, but if a character is going to be enjoyable to me then they need to be odd in a way that is amusing. Even I can’t find the amusement in a seaweed collection, and, as I’m sure you’ve already noticed I’m amused by practically everything.

Characters who refer to women writers as "an abomination." - Okay fine, so I can admit that there were a few moments after reading that part of the book where I enjoyed asking every member of my family if I sickened them with the way I write a blog. They played along and pretended to be horrified. But once the fun of that little gag wore off, and really how long can the fun of a joke that lame really last, I was left with characters that I didn’t like or connect to.

Join us tomorrow dear readers, for another installment of WHERE IN THE WORLD IS A BOOK A DAY: TEMPORARY HEADQUARTERS???