sTori Telling

Friday, January 30, 2009

Today was my most difficult blogging day so far. I woke up feeling like I just didn't want to read - plus I had a horrible headache which got worse as the day wore on. So I decided that I wasn't going to even attempt to read anything that requires actual thought or effort. Today was a day for shallow, mindless reading.

I'm sure you can all figure out what the book is about just by looking at it, but for those of you who don't visit on a daily basis as I do, I'll go ahead and include a description of the book: "sTORI Telling is Tori's chance to finally tell her side of the tabloid-worthy life she's led, and she talks about it all: her decadent childhood birthday parties, her nose job, her fairy-tale wedding to the wrong man, her so-called feud with her mother. Tori has already revealed her flair for brilliant, self-effacing satire on her VH1 show So NoTORIous and Oxygen's Tori & Dean: Inn Love, but her memoir goes deeper, into the real life behind the rumors: her complicated relationship with her parents; her struggles as an actress after 90210; her accident-prone love life; and, ultimately, her quest to define herself on her own terms."

I have absolutely appalling TV habits - so of course I've already watched Tori&Dean: Inn Love, all three seasons - and sadly enough, I've watched those seasons more than once. No matter how many times I watch those episodes I still can't seem to crack the mystery of: Why don't I despise these people. They have so many annoying qualities - they're self-absorbed, shallow, melodramatic, dishonest, whiny, immature, frivolous, vulgar, and not even all that interesting - and yet, somehow they don't annoy me. So I decided to read the book to see if they same thing would happen - and it did. I found myself cringing about 20 times while reading this book - and yet, I'd still watch a fourth season of their show if it ever aired, and I don't even find them repulsive the way I feel like I should. It makes no sense.

Random tidbits from the book:

  • When Tori was five, and again when she was ten, her father had snow machines brought in to give Tori a Winter Wonderland in their L.A backyard. - Didn't that same thing happen once on Full House? I think I'm crossing a line here - everything I read about is starting to remind me of stuff that I've watched on television.
  • At Tori's dad's funeral the minister wove the titles of the shows he had created/produced into the eulogy. Tori shared an excerpt from that eulogy, "If Aaron could see all his friends and family here today, it would mean so much to him. It would almost be like he was in... 7th Heaven. When Aaron started out, her met wonderful people and move up in the business, but when he met Candy he was on... The Love Boat. " - Wow, that's disturbing. It definitely puts to shame the eulogy from the last funeral I went to in which the minister rambled on for an hour and a half about how death was like a vineyard. Let that be a lesson to all of us, before any funeral you are planning have a stern talk with the minister, "No mention of television shows, no extended metaphors about vineyards, no mention of cartoon characters." - Okay, so that last part was from a wedding I went to and not a funeral, but it's still good solid advice - never let the minister wing it. Otherwise they could end up rambling about how marriage is like the cartoon character Garfield (oh, how I wish I was kidding dear readers) - or death is like eating a grape straight off the vine. The worst part of all is that neither metaphors were ever brought to a proper conclusion. That's so wrong to just throw out a sentence like, "Marriage is like the cartoon character Garfield," and then not tell us how. That wedding happened 12 years ago and I'm still annoyed that he never finished the metaphor.
  • Tori's husband Dean wants to open a resturant with Tori one day. I think I smell seasons four coming - and I'm sure if that ever happens, it will be the most dramatic resturant opening ever, which will put them on the verge of losing everything if it doesn't succeed. (If you've never watched the show then you probably have no idea why that last sentence is meant to be amusing - but if you have seen it, I think you know exactly what I'm talking about).