Stories From Candyland

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Before I get to today's entry I was to reassure all of you that the childhood picture of me with a typewriter will make it's triumphant return to the blog soon (just as soon as the V.P. and I can figure out what disk it was on - Oops). So now you won't have to lose any sleep worrying about this very pressing matter that I'm sure is weighing heavily on every one's mind. (I couldn't even type that with a straight face.)

While planning out what to do for the new summer layout I was looking through the photo albums to see if I could find a new picture to put up, perhaps a childhood picture of me outside reading a book, something outdoorsy and summery. But I couldn't find anything, which was very poor planning on my part - I can't believe that I didn't take the time back in 1986 to think Maybe I should have Mom take a picture of me reading outside just in case I decide to write a blog one day. It really surprises me that we don't already have a picture like that since my Mother seems to have captured every other moment of my life on film.

Today's book, "The life Candy created for her family—her husband and children Tori and Randy—was fabulous, over-the-top, and often magical. So what if California Christmases don’t come with snow? Let’s make some on the tennis court! How do we take a cross-country family vacation with a dad who doesn’t fly? By private train car, of course (with an extra for the 52 pieces of luggage). The kids want to dress up for Halloween? No problem, why not call in Nolan Miller to design their costumes?
Candy had a hand in some of the most beloved television shows of all time (she once stopped production on “Dynasty” because Krystle Carrington’s engagement ring was not spectacular enough), has entertained half of Hollywood in epic fashion, and lives an enviable life. But under all the fun and showmanship lies a more interesting character, still wrestling with some of the insecurities of her ingĂ©nue self."

Shallow thoughts:

  • I picked today's book because I've already read Tori Spelling's book for the blog ( - and so naturally I had to read Candy's book so I could decide whose side I'm on in the feud because there's just no fun to a feud if you can't pick sides.

  • Figuring out whose side I was on was rather difficult - it was like playing that game Marry, Date, or Dump when I've just drawn a card with all repulsive people on it. Have you ever played that game dear readers? It's a really fun game in which you have to select a card that lists three people who are either celebrities, characters on TV or in movies, historical figures, or sometimes just random occupations are listed - and you have to decide which one you would marry, which one you would date, and which one you would dump - and then everyone else tries to earn points by correctly guessing your answers. It's a great game, but I feel I should warn you, never play this game unless you are fully prepared to hear the answers because fights between husbands and wives have been known to break out during the game. You like her? How on earth could you like someone so sickening and then marry me? I also could have died happy without ever finding out that my Grandpa has a certain fondness for stewardess (oops, I mean flight attendants.) Anyway back to the point: I find both Tori and Candy annoying and so trying to decide who annoys me less was giving me flashbacks to when I drew the card that said: Bill Gates, Bill Clinton, and Billy Bob Thorton.

  • But in the end I decided that I'm firmly on Team Candy (and I just want to apologize right away from that Team Candy thing because I do realize how endlessly annoying that Team crap is.) Do you see how I just channeled Candy and Tori there dear readers? I just used the classic Spelling "It's not annoying when I do something annoying as long as I can admit that it's annoying" trick. This device is used throughout both books, and sadly enough I find myself falling for it much too often. Despite how annoying they both are I still can't seem to work up the proper amount of disgust for either one of them. After reading both books I've decided that Candy seems like the kind of person who is totally unbalanced but in a way that would be really fun at parties, and Tori seems like a spoiled brat who expects millions to be handed to her for doing nothing but who would also be fun at parties. . . provided that I was drinking enough liquor that I would be too incoherent to notice that she bashes her mother approximately once every 30 seconds for not financially supporting her. Since I don't drink I'm going to have to say that Candy would probably annoy me less . . . especially if she was giving me a present from one of her three wrapping rooms.

  • As for the writing style of the book, I'm not going to beat around the bush: It's not good. The book was disjointed and some of the chapters felt like she took 4 or 5 totally unrelated chapters and pieced them together in no particular order. The book was also very short on interesting autobiographical details and instead spent page after page talking about Candy's clown fan collection (not I'm not kidding), and her extreme shyness - and while I can sympathize with the shyness, having been a shy child myself, it's doesn't make for riveting reading. So I would strongly advice just skipping this book and instead keeping up with the feud through the personal messages Tori and Candy send to one another through the media in between pretending that they're not feuding through the media.